Addiction without Affliction

Nostalgia is my drug of choice
there's no high that compares,
a song,a smell,a picture
i'm hooked,a love affair.

As a teen,i felt a loss no longer being small,
that's where this vice all started,
remember late nights at the mall?

I've kept friends from adolescense
and my favorite thing to do,
is reignite the inside jokes
and laugh as if they're new.

Nostalgia brings me to a time when life was more carefree,
sometimes i wish i could take those feelings 
and apply them to present me

This crutch is like no other,
and i never intend to stop,
reliving '97 is epic,
remember the song,Mmm Bop?

So to everyone who's  negative
for me living life this way,
next up is "Motown Philly", followed by Lisa Loeb's "Stay".
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Do you,Boo.

I’ll be the first to tell you how incredibly impatient i am. Due to this flaw in character, i happen to have the 4 most patience trying children in all the land. Don’t get me wrong,they are amazing,intelligent,beautiful,empathetic human beings(99.9% of those traits coming from their mother’s side) but sometimes they are like little growths that attach themselves (while screaming) to me for all 24 bajillion hours of the day.(especially when i try to do anything remotely for myself/by myself/creative,etc…hence why i’m posting this at 5:30am)

Being a stay at home mom is hard. I feel like sometimes i’m in this battle with myself because i genuinely do not like alot of what being a domestic goddess has to offer and there are alot of mothers/fathers who would give anything to spend as much time with their kids as i do with mine. Even through my conflictions, i realize that part of the reason i have such a hard time somedays is because with the ages my kids are and all that these ages entail,my needs (including relationships) tend to go to the back burner.

Here’s the thing: SELF CARE IS A BIG FLIPPING DEAL. Taking time to be your own person in whatever form floats your boat,is essential for staying sane and not ending up like the ragey,non showered,miserable,self pitying swamp monster i turn into quite often. The most frustrating part of when i get into those modes, is that it’s like pulling teeth to get me out of the cesspool of self loathing, even though i’m well aware i’ll feel a zillion times better if i go out and just do something good for my mental health. Today was the perfect example of all of that.

Today was my hubby and I’s 8th wedding anniversary, which is just crazy because of how quickly the time has passed. I’ve been struggling alot with stress,anxiety,and depression lately and have been trying different things to help me cope (like starting this blog). I had originally thought about trying to get a sitter so that my husband and i could go to dinner,but after calculating babysitting costs and just my general desire to hibernate,i blew the idea off. When Chris(my husband) came home from work,he told me that he arranged for his dad to babysit and that he was taking me out to dinner. Can i just tell you what a gat damn game changer it was for me,for my marriage,and just my general outlook on life to get out for 3 hours and actually do something??!As much as i enjoy chasing my naked two year old around the house because she won’t keep her diaper on and cleaning up the world’s supply of fruit snack wrappers off the floor,tonight was a breath of fresh air. We went to a restaurant,sat,ate,talked,took a walk and it was amazing.

I felt the need to come here and share this because of how much tonight helped me to remember that i have an identity aside from mom life. This reminder will help me be a better version of myself and hence,a better,wife,mother,friend,etc… If anyone out there is struggling and needs a break,please please take care of yourself and do something you love and do if for YOU. You are worth it and your sunnier disposition will remind you of that.

Breathe Free

Ground breaking,earth shaking,
this was gunna be huge,
kinks out,funny how
it took this long to face truth .

So many road blocks,go ahead and try to stop,
but baby i'm just getting closer,
grow with me or step aside,
i'm my own damn four leaf clover.

You have your way and i've found mine,
the low blows no longer keep me,
and maybe just maybe if you listen real close,
we'd reach the surface and breathe free.

All these rugs that it is taking 
To sweep all this under,
will we ever realize,nothing short of demise,
this cycle is all noise,just like thunder.
We boom through the days like the strangers we are,
Oh the beauty we'd have if we made this world ours.

You have your way and i've found mine,
the low blows no longer keep me,
and maybe just maybe if you listen real close,
we'd reach the surface and breathe free.


I wonder how it feels to have a real dimpled smile
The kind that makes even the hardtimes  worth while
It shouldn't be this hard to stand up straight,
why is it so hard to stand up,to relate? 

You have your way and i've found mine,
the low blows no longer keep me,
and maybe just maybe if you listen real close,
we'd reach the surface and breathe free.


As life grows towards old,i want to feel new
 Its all in my hands, i cant keep blaming you...




To Ramona:My Grand Finale

My sweet and bubbly dandelion,so pure and oh so bright,
with one deep breath your beauty soars touching everyone in sight.

My brilliant little butter cup,with colors soft yet bold,
twirling through the summer days,you captivate my soul.

Your smile is contagious,the epitome of light,
the sheer energy of your presence keeps me going day and night.

Stay true my little gerber daisy,let nothing dull your sheen,
no words describe the joy you give,you give my life its meaning.

Jessi writes: The first poem of many

So i don’t know if i’ll always start these pieces with introductions ,but seeing as this is the first one i’m posting,i figured i would with this one atleast. I wrote this poem about 13 years ago while going through a rough patch and it’s basically the one that turned me on to writing with a purpose,that purpose being to help me cope with feelings that no therapist or confidant i felt at the time could help me with.

I know this certain doormat,who's walked and stomped upon,
she leaves the house not for herself but for the feet that long,
to take advantage of her pain,the pain she sings in song.

The song is like a wailing,a wailing melody,
that cries out for acceptance of her mediocrity.

They see she needs approval and she can't say no,
so they take the weary doormat and mash her with their toes.

They mash her till she's tired but she won't admit she's strained,
from all the compassion she gives out to cover up the pain.

The ringing just won't stop,
she can't get to herself beneath,
Because this taxed and sickly doormat
can't stop the stomping feet.

This weary little doormat is very close to me,
She wants to give forever,
but needs some to receive.






 

Getting back to my roots.

gray trunk green leaf tree beside body of water
Photo by Daniel Watson on Pexels.com

Not really sure what i’m doing just yet but what i am sure of is that starting this blog has been a long time coming.

I have been absolutely consumed with mom life and struggling to find my own identity outside of the daily antics that go along with mothering 4 very loud and “animated”(to put it nicely)children. Due to this weird identity crisis,my mental health has been nothing short of a trainwreck and i knew i had to find an outlet.

I have been in love with writing poetry and songs since i was a kid so it made perfect sense that this was the avenue i would take as a healthy coping mechanism and creative outlet. I hope anyone out there who reads my posts (which will mainly consist of poems and various other pieces that ive written over the years to now) enjoys getting a glimpse into how i cope when everything around me seems to be falling apart. Getting out of my comfort zone and putting myself out there is exactly what i need to do.